The Wonderful World of FMA fillers
by Muten Azuki
Summary: Read the title. This is crack! Now Flame away! XD
1. To the Dentist!

**To the Dentist**

"Oww!" Ed said as he felt at his teeth.

"What's wrong brother?" Al asked.

"I was eating this rock and I felt an intense surge of pain throughout my jaw," Ed said while still feeling at his teeth.

"Were you actually trying to eat a rock?"

"Yeah! It looked tasty!"

"How did it taste?" Al asked, " Wait why do I care? We should take you to the dentist!"

"Hell no!"

"Why? If you don't go your teeth will just rot out of your head."

"Says you!" Ed yelled while running away from Al.

After capturing Ed and using his overly useful sedative, Al began to carry Ed to the nearest Dentist. Al counted the random kitties sprawled throughout the city and unfortunately forgot his original intentions. Soon Al found himself in a very dark and secluded alleyway.

"Dang it! If only I had a gps." Al exclaimed while continuing through the alleyway. Soon he heard a scream coming from the end of the dark, long, secluded alleyway. "Oh no it sounds like someone is in trouble! I better help them." Al said as he dropped his unconscious brother on the hard pavement. After he rounded the corner Al saw that some man was attacking some poor girl. After round-house kicking, punching, and ultimately destroying the villain, Al looked toward the girl. "Are you okay?" Al said.

"Yes" Said the girl, who looked very funky because she is an unimportant filler character. "Who are you?"

"I'm A-"

"Al! Why the hell did you leave me here!" Ed yelled as he kicked Al in the head.

"I came to help her." Al said as he pointed towards the girl.

Ed looked at the funky looking girl. "Who are you?"

"I'm Zahnarzt Hater"

"Uhhh. What does that mean?" Ed said while looking at the funky looking girl.

"It means dentist hater. Why is that my name you ask? I'll tell why."

"Do I look like I care?"

"Of course you do. Now back to my story."

"You never started."

"Well you didn't let her brother." Said Al.

Zahnarzt began her story, "It all started with my grandfather. He owned a candy store. His business was very prosperous for many years, until..."

"Until what?" Al said while obviously enjoying the story.

"A dentist opened up next door. The dentist was evil. He told the kids in the area that candy would rot their teeth. What a liar. When my father began to have problems paying off the rent, the dentist offered to buy my grandfathers business. My grandfather hastily excepted. Afterwards the dentist forced my grandfather and his family to have monthly check-ups because my grandfather still owed money. But it doesn't stop there! My father opened a soda shop when he became old enough. And guess what! The dentist son opened up next door to him. That's where the story ends. It's my destiny to destroy the dentist shop before my father follows his fathers path."

"That was such a-" Al began.

"Boring story!" Ed yelled.

"Well I doubt you have a more interesting life," The girl said while pointing at Ed, "midget."

"What did you say?!" Ed said while glaring at Zahnarzt.

"What you didn't hear me? I said midg-" Zahnarzt began to say.

"No, stop!" Al yelled while holding his brother back.

"Who are you calling so short that they could drown in the Cool aid man!?" Ed yelled while flailing his arms uncontrollably. "Al let me go! I need to pummel her into the ground!"

"Hey, do you want to help me with this next mission?" said Zahnarzt

"You just insulted me and your asking for help!"

"I can pay."

"I don't need money, and I doubt you have anything worth trading."

"I have this." Zahnarzt held up a shiny red rock.

"We'll help!" Ed quikly said, "but first you have to let me inspect that rock."

"Of course not! You may steal it." Zahnarzt said while stuffing the rock in her bra. "Let's see you take it now little man!"

"Fine. I wont take it, but if I help you then I better get that."

"Fine with me."

Zahnarzt took the brothers out of the alley and began to head towards the dentist office.

"By the way, who was that dude who attacked you?" Al asked in attempt to end the awkward silence.

"Who cares. This is a filler remember. He'll pop up again later and turn out to be the main bad guy or something." Zahnarzt said.

"Oh, yeah."

Not much later the group of heroes approached the Dentist office.

"Okay I'll explain the mission."

"Well it's about time you stupid whore!" Ed exclaimed.

"We are going to sneak into the dentist office and take the dentist's tools."

"How are we going to do that?"

"This is his lunch brake."

After carefully explaining her well thought out plan, the three began to take action.

"Okay Al you know what to do right?" Ed asked

"Yep." Al said while walking towards the door. After bashing his hands through the door, Al ripped it off.

"Step one, make a hard to spot entrance. Check!" Zahnarzt exclaimed. "On to step two. Sneak past the security system"

"This is a dentist office! There isn't a security system!" Ed yelled.

"Step three, take the loot."

"Finally...hey wait, wont I get discharged for this?"

"Of course not! Fillers are non-cannon remember?"

"Oh yeah."

"Now you take the stuff. I'll be look-out."

"What ever."

Al was still sitting outside of the dentist office, petting one of the kittens that he had found just recently.

"What the!" Yelled a very suspicious man.

"Hello."

"Did you do this to my dentist office."

"Oh I remember you! I beat you up back in the alleyway remember?" Al said.

"So it was you!" The man pointed at Al.

"Uhhh...no I didn't do it. When I got here it was already like this. I swear!"

"I'll deal with you later." the dentist said as he walked into his office.

"Hide!" Zahnartz said to Ed while she scurried towards a conveniently placed box.

"What was that?" Ed asked before he felt a warm hand touch his shoulder.

"I see that you have snuck into my office, brat!" said the dentist.

Ed turned around while dropping a bunch of junk onto the floor. "Uhhhh...no...you see, I was jus-"

"Enough" The man began to smile, "you shall be punished severely!"

"No thank you."

The dentist used a conveniently placed sedative.  
_____________________________________________________________________________________________

Ed woke up a few hours later with his mouth filled with gauze.

"Owww...wad appent" Ed said while holding his face.

"The dentist found you in his office and decided to give you a free check up, oh and he pulled that tooth that you broke."

"Owww..."

"But guess what?"

"Wad?"

"Zahnarzt decided to pay us anyways!"

"Led me zee da stone"

"Here ya go." Al said while putting the red rock in Ed's hands.

Ed pulled the gauze out of his mouth. "Lets try to transmute with it! This will decide if it's real." After saying this Ed pulled a kitten out of Al and tried to transmute it into a piece of gold. There was no response. "Dang it. That whore gave us a fake."

"Well she never said that it was the philosopher's stone."

"Then what is it? A ruby?" Ed said as he randomly licked the stone. "It's frozen red soda! I wasted all of that time for frozen soda!"

"Don't worry brother. We'll have plenty more pointless fillers. We're bound to find a stone in at least one of them."

**End of Filler 1 **

_**This project isn't as important to me as the others so I won't be updating it as often, but that doesn't mean that i've abandoned it.**_


	2. Winry or Wendell

**Winry or Wendell**

It was a very dark and gloomy day. Winry was pouting because she had to work on automail all day long.

"I thought that's what she always wanted to do?" The reader asked.

"Hey! I'm telling the story, so shut up!"

Winry didn't want to work on automail her whole life. The truth was that she wanted excitement. She was jealous of Ed. "He gets to have fun daily. When do I get to be in life or death situations? All I get is a decent and safe life with all of my limbs." Winry mumbled to herself.

"Why do I care about Winry? I thought Ed was the main character?" the reader questioned

"Once again! I'm telling the story so shut up! The main character of fillers are always the ones that no one likes. Now, back to the story!"

Winry worked all day. She went to sleep and thought of her boring and normal life. Tomorrow was a different day. A very different day.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

"What a great night!" Winry said in a very deep and masculine voice before she yawned. "Who said that!" Winry asked herself thinking that there was some burly man hiding underneath her bed. She then walked into the bathroom in order to put in her contacts.

"Winry's blind!?" the reader asked

"Will you shut up?!"

As soon as she put her left contact in she noticed something odd. Her face was very masculine and hairy. "What the? Maybe my contact is dirty." Winry said while pulling out her contact. She then cleaned it and eventually put it back in. "Oh my god!!!" Winry screamed, although it wasn't loud enough to wake anyone up. Besides, no one cares about Winry. "I'm a...I'm a...guy?" Winry then continued by checking the rest of herself out. She had very hairy and stinky armpits, a hairy chest, greasy hair, she was completely flat. She also noticed that she was tall and fairly fat.

"This is horrible!" Winry said. "Actually it's not! Guys have it easy. They don't have to shave, look nice, and they can reach the high shelf's. They eat all that they want. They can pass gas and no one cares...or at least they don't." Winry then noticed that she had to use the restroom. She walked over to the toilet and lifted the seat. She then took a piss all over the floor.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Winry walked downstairs and was greeted by mister Garfield.

"Hello hot stuff!" Mister Garfield said, "Who are you?"

"It's me Mr. Garfield, Win-"

"Wait! Don't tell me! It's win...win...Wendell! Right?"

"Uhhh...sure."

Winry worked all day long while being hit on by Mister Garfield. She went to sleep at night and woke up a girl in the morning.

"Wait! That's the story?! There's no plot, no villain, no-" The reader said before getting knocked out by the author.

"This is a filler! There's not supposed to be a plot or villain!"

**End Filler 2**


	3. Following Barry

**Following Barry**

**Before we begin, will the reader promise to keep their trap shut until the end of the chapter?**

_Yes. I'll be good._

Barry the Chopper is a serial killer. *Gasp* You didn't know? Barry the Chopper likes to chop people up. You didn't know that either? You must be stupid or something. Anyways. One day Barry was sitting in an alley looking for his next victim.

"Who shall I chop next?" Barry asked himself.

**Well, what do you look for in a victim?**

"Something fat, greasy, and old!"

**Kinda like the average middle aged american male?**

"Yeah! Exactly like that!"

**Well look no further than over there.**

"Awesome! Jackpot!"

Barry the chopper jumped down from his hiding place and ran up to the person.

"I'm gunna' chop ya up!"

**Yeah! Chop them up Barry!"**

**The following material is extremely graphic. Readers whom are pregnant, have a serious medical attention, or are squemish should not read the next paragraph.**

_**And now for a commercial break!**_

_**"Have you or a friend been recently injured while reading fanfictions? If so contact Lawyer Edward "The midget" Elric. He promises that he will take no case lightly. As his saying goes: There is no such thing as a small case!"**_

**Now back to the trashy filler which you may or may not have been reading.**

Barry attacked the man, but becuase 4kids owns the rights to this filler the chopping wasn't shown. Just implied. When the camera panned back to barry, it showed him holding his cleaver. It was covered in lovely flowers

The End.

_This sucked. Why did I read it?!_

**Shut up! You know you liked it!**


	4. The Search for Sockie

**The Search for Sockie**

"Noooo!" Ed screamed while holding his hands to his face while sound effect words flew all over the room.

"Why are you yelling brother? I'm trying to sleep." Al said while a large red angry symbol popped up on his armour.

"Mr. Sockie is missing! By the way, you can't sleep remember."

"I can pretend! What's so special about some sock?" Al said as he stood up. Sound effects moved away from his feet as he began to walk towards Ed.

"It's not just a sock! It's Mr. Sockie! I took him from Winry's dresser. He reminds me of her." Ed said as his face began to turn bright yellow, I mean red. His heart began to beat extremely fast as he thought of her, and sound effect words began to hover around his chest until Riza popped out of a nearby trashcan and shot them all.

"Riza!" Ed and Al said while more sound effect words flew across the screen only to be shot.

"I found Mr. Sockie. Here you go."

"OMG, YAY!" Ed said like a girl who had been texting on their phone for the last three hours.

The End.


	5. The Marvelous tv veiwing Filler

**The Marvelous TV viewing Filler**

"Hey Al!"

"What do you want big brother?" Al said while turning his head in a way which is only seen in sitcoms.

"Pass the remote."

"I came out of the kitchen to help you get the remote! It's right next to you!" Al said while he waved his hands wildly. Then an audience of people were heard laughing on the tv.

"Yeah." Ed said as the people began laughing again.

"Well you can get it yourself!"

"Fine!" Ed said as the people began laughing even harder.

Ed turned on the tv and began searching through the channels.

"I don't want to watch this crap! Grey's Anatomy, who'd want to watch that? The Office? American Idol? Family Guy? Yeah right. I'd rather watch comedy gold! Like icarly!"

So Ed began to watch the horribly crafted tv show. Meanwhile Lin was standing on top of the roof attempting to ruin Ed's saturday off.

"What an idiot. Who actually has satellite?" Lin said as he kicked the satellite dish off of the roof. The tv lost it's signal.

"What the -censored-! Why'd the tv die?! And get the -censored- out of my house 4kids!" Ed said as the audience began to laugh, "And take the audience with you!"

"What are you yelling about brother?"

"The tv broke! It was just about to get to the best part! Now I'm missing icarly! You better get this fixed Al!"

So Al went up on the roof and used his alchemy to fix the satellite.

"Dang it! I missed the best part! Thanks alot Al! You could have gone faster!"


	6. The deadly Paper cut

**The deadly Paper cut**

Lin was opening all of his mail...almost all of his mail. Okay I lied! Are you happy now? Lin threw away all of his bills and foreclosure warnings. He only opened one letter.

"To Lin, the passed out guy on the side of the street. From Sweetstalker7" Lin read out loud even though he never opened his eyes, "I loooooooove the way that you pass out in the middle of the street..."

After Lin finished reading the letter he decided to send a reply. It read, "Dear Sweetstalker7, I would like you to buy me lunch. Thank you. Make sure you make reservations. Only the nicest of restaurants." Lin then began to put the letter in the envelope when he got a paper cut.

"Young Prince! Are you wounded!? Damn that envelope! I must EXTERMINATE!!!!" Lanfan said as she began slicing the envelope into miniscule pieces.

"Whoa! Calm down."

"But if you have been harmed, then that's proof that I have failed you! We must heal that monstrosity! At once!"

"But..."

"AT ONCE!" Lanfan yelled as she pulled up the telephone and called an ambulance.

"It's just a paper cut. I'll be fi-"

"NO! You're delerious! If we don't heal you at once, you will surely die!"

So Lanfan forced Lin to get multiple vaccinations, stitches, emergency surgery, pain killers, and physical therapy.


	7. A Note from the Founder

**To those who Noticed**

If you were disgusted by the horrible words that spewed from Lanfan's mouth, then I apologize. Funimation recently bought this series and is not censoring as well as they can. They believe that there is a such thing as 'mild' and 'heavy' language. We agree too. They are a horrible company found in our society. We are currently in the process of buying this series back.

Mr. Mc4kids


	8. I couldn't fit the title in the textbox

**Until death pulls us apart...or I find a new Girlfriend**

Riza shot the other woman. Roy is found inside a warehouse almost dead. Roy is taken to the hospital. Roy recieves treatment. Riza is upset because of Roy's infidelity. Roy buys Riza a gun and proposes with it. Now that we're done with the recap: "Because of Royai"

And then the preist who looked like he was drunk said, "You may now kiss the bride."

"Why would I want to kiss this bride person? I'm in love with Riza."

"I'm the bride."

"Ohh..."

So Roy and Riza got married. They enjoyed their relationship until 'she' appeared.

"Hey...ummm, who are you?" 'she' said.

"What about you?" Riza said.

"I'm uhhh, Edwina Meldrig." 'she' said.

"Well Edwina. Why are you in my bedroom?"

"Your bedroom? He told me he wasn't married!" Edwina said as she pointed at a half naked Roy who was standing outside the bedroom door.

"You're cheating on me! How could you?! I thought we had something!" Riza said as she pulled out a gun and pointed it at Roy.

"Whoa! Calm down! You shouldn't point guns at people!" Edwina said.

"You're next!"

"Okay. Let me explain." Roy said right after he soiled himself.

"Go ahead! I'd like to hear." Riza said as she put her gun away.

"I can't stay married to you. It's not in my nature. I have to date! I want a divorce!"

"What does she have to do with this? Is she your next woman?"

"Actually, I'm Ed." Ed said as he pulled off his makeup and wig.

"Ed! YOUR CHEATING ON ME WITH ED!"

"No. I asked Ed for help that's all!" Roy said as he started to back away from Riza.

"Why should I believe that!?"

"Roy told me that he'd pay me with naughty books..." Ed said as he began to inch towards the open window.

"I don't care what's going on! You can both die!" Riza said as she shot Ed and Roy.

The End. *insert themesong here*


	9. Same as chapter 8

**Severing Limbs isn't the Answer to Everything...Or is It?**

Fallman and Barry were talking.

"So how do you like your women? I like them like this." Fallman said as he pulled up a picture of a woman.

"I like them like this." Barry said as he pulled up a picture of a woman.

"So you like them curvy."

"Yeah! They're more fun to chop!"

"...what do you like to do for fun? I like to play chess and have gay sex with Fuery."

"I like to chop stuff!"

"...what do you want for dinner?"

"Chopped beef with chopter pepper!"

"Don't you mean Doctor pepper? Is that all you care about?"

"I also like to cut, dice, and slice!"


	10. Badabing Badaboo It's the Switcheroo!

**Badabing Badaboo It's the Switcheroo!**

It was a bright and happy day. Ed and Envy were rolling on the floor...not like that! They were beating the crap out of each other.

"I hate you! You should just die! I am in no way sexually attracted to you!" Envy said as he punched Ed.

"I hate you more! I have better things to do than die! I have a life unlike you!" Ed said as he punched Envy.

"You? All you do is run around and look for a stone! Oooo look at me I'm Ed! I look for stones!" Envy said as he turned into Ed...kinda. His head was upside down.

"All you do is kill people! I bet you couldn't last one day in my shoes!"

"I couldn't fit into your shoes! They're too small!"

"SHUT UP!"

"You couldn't last a day as me!"

"I bet I could! Lets switch places!"

"How are we going to do that?"

"With the dragonballs stupid!"

Ed and Envy walked across the anime border to Dragonball Z land.

"Yeah! Now that I have the dragonballs, I can wish everyone back to life!" Goku said as he lifted the dragonballs into the air.

Ed and Envy walked up to Goku.

"Hey, um...can we have those." Ed said.

"Sorry. I have to save the world...again...why do I still do this?"

"Pwetty Pwease?!" Envy said as he turned into a cute little...thing.

"No can do. It's my duty to save the day!"

"If you don't give us the dragonballs, I'll force you to watch Dragonball Evolution!" Envy said as he pulled out the dvd.

"AHHHH! NO! PLEASE STOP! TAKE THEM! TAKE THEM!" Goku screamed.

Ed and Envy walked back to amestris. They then used the dragonballs to switch places for the day.

Envy walked to Ed's house.

"Hah! This is as easy as cake...who came up with that?" Envy said as he opened the hotel door.

"...Ed?"

"Uhhh...yeah. I'm Ed, not Envy. There's no way that me and Envy switched bodies."

"Shut up! You were supposed to be here two minutes ago!"

"Why?"

"To polish my armour!"

"Can't you do it your self?"

"Shut up! You're stupid! Do your chores!" Al said as he pulled out a huge list of stuff to do.

Ed was walking around town.

"...what am I supposed to do again? Oh yeah...let's see. What does Envy do? Oh yeah! He attempts to kill me!" Ed said as he walked towards his home.

"Prepare to die Fullmetal Alche...alche...what do you call me again?"

"Alcheshrimp."

"Yeah that's it!"

"Get lost. I don't feel like fighting you. You were right. My life is easy compared to yours. I promise that I'll think about your suffering whenever I'm killing someone."

"...HAH! I WIN! So...when do we switch back?"

"At the end of the day."

"Shut up and wax my armour!" Al said as he threw a cat at Envy.

"Until then, I'll reveal your secret!" Ed said as he grinned.

"NO! YOU WOULDN'T!"

"Let's see whether you're a dude or a chick!" As he looked in his...pants.

"PLEASE DON'T!"

"Envy is a-"

The End.


	11. The Line

**The Line**

It was a...why do I always start out with this sentence? Anyways, Ed was sitting...standing in a line. Today was the release date of the new hit video game, Naruto: Ultimate Ninja 74.

"I can't wait to get this game! I've played all of the other 73, and even though none of them were that good I'm still going to waste $40 on this one!" Ed said as he ripped off his jacket and hat, thus revealing an orange jumpsuit and a leaf village headband.

"Gamestop is now open!" The manager said.

The line began moving, but it wasn't much later that a fight broke out.

"Hey! You cut! I've been waiting here all night!" Ed yelled as he hit the big tanned man standing in front of him. Then the man turned around. It was scar.

"Be quiet fullmetal! I don't feel like bringing god's judgement upon you as of now. All I care about is getting my game."

"Yeah, but you can't just cut!"

"Can't I?" Scar said as he stood over Ed.

"...never mind..."

"That's what I thought."

It wasn't much later that Ed was second in line.

"So sir, what are you looking for?" The man asked scar.

"You now what I want." scar told the man.

"Well, this is your lucky day! You get our last copy."

"WHAT! THAT'S NOT FAIR!" Ed yelled.

"Deal with it." Scar said as he pulled out his wallet.

"That's mine! You cut me in line! I deserve that!" Ed said as he pulled the game from Scar's Evil clutches.

"Hey!"

"HAH! You don't deserve this!" Ed said as he looked at the game, "...Halo 51..."

"Yes, Halo 51. What did you think everyone here was waiting in line for?" Scar said as he took the game back.

"Then that means that they still have it!" Ed said as he walked to one of the employees.

"What are you looking for sir?"

"I'm looking for Naruto: Ultimate ninja 74!"

"...hahahahahah...wait, were you serious?"

"Yes."

"We haven't sold a single copy. In fact we've been burning them. Nobody wants them because they suck!"

"Why would you burn them?"

"Look for yourself."

Ed looked at the store's shelves. More than half of the games in the store were from the Naruto: Ultimate Ninja series.

"So I sat in line for nothing?"

"Do you still want the game?"

"Yeah."

"Take all of them. They waste space."

When Ed got home, he immediately began playing the game. He was found dead the next day.


	12. Is it Really Worth it? Part 1

****

Is it Really Worth it? Part 1

"I'M TIRED OF IT!" Ed yelled.

"Brother, please quiet down. I may be a fabrication, and I may not have ears, but I'm sure that they would be hurting by now."

"You don't get it Al. You're almost 7 feet tall. You don't know what it's like to be as sho- sho- short as me...."

"HAHAHAH, you called yourself short!"

"Shut up! I'm tired of it. All of the gawking, the names, the kids who point their fingers at me. I want to be taller!"

"Okay..."

"You have to help me!"

"I have an idea! Come on!" Al said as he pulled Ed by his arm.

Al ran across the city while draggin Ed by his arm. It wasn't much later that they came to their destination.

"The shoe store! We were right here! Why did we run across town!?" Ed yelled.

"Don't yell at me! It's the gps' fault." Al said as he pulled Ed into the store.

"Let me guess, you're going to buy me some shoes that will make me taller."

"Yep."

"In case you haven't noticed, I'm wearing elevated boots! I doubt there is any pair of shoes here that will make me any taller."

"Excuse me." Al said to the lady at the front desk, who I am now going to describe for no apparent reason. She was wearing a pair of black pants that looked like they had been attacked by a cat, some platformers that were too small for her feet, and a shirt that had a stain of ketchup on it. She had a nose which was longer than her feet, eyes which were hidden by a very thick layer of make up, and an afro which had been died orange. She had a tounge peircing, a nose peircing, a cheek peircing, multiple ear peircings, a lip peircing, a chin peircing, a forehead peircing, and a large tattoo of a dead monkey across the side of her face.

"Hi Envy." Ed said.

"Sorry, you've got the wrong person. It's me Russel."

"WHOA!"

"I know. Don't I look sexy now. My final operation is tommorow. Oh, and my name is now Rebecca."

"WHOA!"

"Would you stop doing that. It's rude."

"Oh sorry, I was looking at your tattoo."

"So what are you looking for."

"My brother wants to become taller. Do you still have number 38 in stock?"

"Of course. I'll be right back." Ru...Rebecca said as he/she/it walked into the back room. She emerged from the back room about an hour later.

"What took you so long! I'm not going to get taller while I wait for you too look for some shoe!" Ed said as he flailed his arms in the air.

"Sorry...I got sidetracked. Anyways here are the shoes!" Rebecca said as she pulled out a box which was as tall as Ed.

"WHOA! What is that?" Ed said as pulled the box from Rebecca. Then he opened the box and saw the high heels which were twelve feet long.

"Put them on brother!" Al said.

"I'm going to need a ladder to get to the top of these things." Ed said as he climbed to the top of the shoe. "I can see our house from here!"

"But we're in central!"

"I can still see it."

It wasn't much later that Ed and Al were walking through dark alleys.

"This is so awesome!" Ed said.

"Is that some new weapon?"

"Who said that? I'm in a good mood, so you better not mess with me."

"New weapon or not, I'm here to act as god's right hand of destruction!" Scar said as he popped out of a dumpster.

"Holy fake cheese!"

"What?" Al asked Ed.

"Real cheese is made of milk." Ed said as he began running from Scar.

"Get back here! I didn't get to destroy your arm yet!" Scar said as he ripped of his jacket. Underneath was a costume which resembled the Flash's.

"Run brother!"

"I can't! These things are too hard to run in!"

"Then take them off! Scar will catch you if you don't!"

"Take them off! NO! I'LL NEVER BE CALLED SHORT AGAIN!" Ed said as Scar started to climb one heel.

"If you don't you'll die!"

"Fine! I'll take it off." Ed said as he jumped off the heels.

"Hah! I'll still catch you. As long as I wear this costume, I'll be as fast as a three year old who had just drank twelve cups of coffee!"

"Let's see you try!" Ed said as he ran towards a house.

"Fine. I'll catch you, blow up your limbs, and keep your head as a prize!"

"That's just gross." Ed said as he opened the gate to a fence which was only 5 feet tall.

"NO!" Scar said as he watched Ed close the gate.

"..."

"Everyone knows that Ishbalans hate fences!"

"Wait, so I'm safe?"

"For now." Scar said as he looked over the fence.

****

End Part One.


	13. Is it Really Worth it? Part 2

**Is it Really Worth it? Part 2**

Last time on "I will get taller" Edward Elric complained about his height, was dragged around town by his brother, found a pre-operation Russel, bought some hooker red 12 foot high heels, saw his house from the top of them, was chased by scar, took off the hooker red high heels, jumped over a fence, and got away from scar who was wearing a costume which looked like the flash's. Now to the theme song that you may as well skip.

verse one

**Edward,**

**Edward shorty Elric,**

**He's so short,**

**He's really short,**

**He's extremely short,**

**Did I mention he's short,**

**He's still short by the way,**

**He's a midget,**

**He's short,**

**Oh yeah,**

**I almost forgot to say that he's short,**

verse two

**Edward,**

**Edward tiny Elric,**

**He's so tiny,**

**He's really tiny,**

**He's extremely tiny,**

**Did I mention he's tiny,**

**He's still tiny by the way,**

**He's a dwarf,**

**He's tiny**

**Oh yeah,**

**I almost forgot to say that he's tiny!**

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH" Ed...yelled(I overuse this word).

"Will you shut up! I'm tired of hearing you yell! It's the same thing everyday! I wake up, you scream about something, I ask what's wrong, you tell me what's wrong, I try to fix your trivial problem, and your problem is never solved! It's like a bad sitcom!" Al said as he started smashing everything in sight.

"Hahaha...all sitcoms are bad."

"...actually I think that-"

"Al! Every sitcom is bad!" Ed said while giving Al a death glare.

"Uhhh...yeah, every sitcom is bad..."

"I'm going to solve my problem. I will grow taller!" Ed said as he pointed up towards the sky and the camera turned to an angle which made him look important.

Ed wal- no, he ran to the medical center. He kicked the door open and pointed his gun at the doctor.

"You! Drop what you're doing, and make me taller!" Ed said very angrily towards the doctor.

"Sorry. No can do. I'm busy finding the cure to cancer, mental retardation, and the swine flu!"

"You're not doing any of that! You're just looking at expired magazines! Oh, and it's the H1 N1 now."

"Hey. You should read this. It's funny."

"You do not want to read old magazines, you want to make me taller!" Ed said as he moved his hand through the air.

"I do not want to read old magazines, I want to make you normal sized." the doctor said like a zombie.

"You want to make me taller!" Ed shouted as he pointed the gun towards the doctor.

"You're short."

"Say it the right way!"

"I don't wanna!"

"Why are you so defiant?! Why don't you do exactly as I ask you? It always works in those movies..."

"You aren't a jedi...although you do look a little like yoda..."

"Are you going to help me or not!?"

"Sure, sure, sure, sure...what was it you wanted again?"

"Make me taller!"

"Okay...here. Take one of these pills per day."

"What is this?"

"I think their growth hormones..."

"Cool!" Ed said as he jumped out the window.

When Ed got home he took all of the pills. He probably had some weird logic, like "If I take them all at one time, I'll grow even faster!" And even though this isn't exactly correct, we're going to act like it's true.

-The following morning-

"Yawn..." Ed...yawned while moving his arms in the air while falling out of bed.

"Good morning brother! I've been watching you sleep all night long!" Al said.

"...morni...morning Al..."

"Teehee!" Al...laughed.

"What's so funny? Did I get taller! Actually, I must be! I feel different!" Ed said as he rushed into the bathroom.

"Well you did get taller..."

Ed looked in the mirror. He had become extremely feminine.

"Holy Nonfat Popcorn! I'm a chick! What is this some sick fem!Ed fic?"

"Well you did get taller. Apparently you're normally shorter than the average woman. Teehee!"

~Fin~


	14. Is it Really Worth it? Final Part

**Is it Really Worth it? Part 3**

Last time on "I'm not short!" Edward Elric dissed sitcoms, pointed a gun at a "doctor", attempted the Jedi mind trick, took a bunch of hormone pills, woke up and realized he was now a chick. Now to the new theme song which isn't much better than the first, but is a little bit better.

**Yo Edward Elric, he was just under five feet when he bought some heels that let him see across the street.**

**Created for self conscience midgets **

**(He's really short cuz he's Edward Elric)**

**When it didn't work out**

**his doctor gave him some pills**

**Then Ed took them all without his brother's consent**

**They tasted real bad **

**and there was no immediate change**

**but on the inside his hormones started to look really strange**

**(Midget, Midget)**

**When he first woke up he yawned and sighed**

**His brother started to laugh **

**and said he watched him all night**

**Ed walked to the mirror and began to cry**

**He looked kinda different, holy fake cheese he's no longer a guy!**

**and it was then that Ed knew what he had to do**

**he had to take some male hormones, yeah that's he would do**

**and now he is once again a short little dude!**

**(He's really short cuz he's Edward Elric, He's really short cuz he's Edward Elric, He's really short cuz he's Edward Elric)**

**(Edward Elric)**

"Finally, I'm a guy again." Ed said as he touched his chest.

"You know you liked poking them!" Al said.

"I did not!" Ed yelled.

"Boobies Boobies! Teehee!" Al said as Ed chased him around the house.

"Shut up!"

"Guess what! I invited Winry over!"

"What?! Why?!"

"She said that she can help you with your height!"

"Tell her that I don't need her help." Ed said as a knock was heard at the door. Al pushed Ed over and walked to the door.

"Don't you dare open that door! Tell her to leave!" Ed yelled.

"Relax it's the pizza guy."

"Really! Let him in!" Ed said as he got an excited look on his face.

"Psyce! It's Winry." Al said as he let her in.

"NO!! How could you betray me like that!?"

"Hi Ed." Winry said as she smacked Ed with her wrench.

"What was that for!?"

"For being an idiot!"

"Okay."

"I know why you're so short. I also know how you can get taller." Winry said as she started searching her purse.

"...Oh, I know! You are going to fit me with some seven foot automail! You truly are a genius!" Ed said as he bowed to Winry and had sparkles in his eyes.

"Nope! I have something better."

"What could be better than seven foot automail?"

"Milk." Winry said as she pulled out a gallon out of her purse. Ed immediately ran into his room and hid under his bed.

"Al, you know what to do." Winry said as she handed Al her wrench. Al walked into Ed's room and emerged a few seconds later with a bloody Ed in his arms.

"What did you hit me for?! You got blood all in my hair!"

"You're going to drink the milk brother!"

"NO!"

"If you don't I'll tell winry about the...poking."

"Okay...fine I'll drink the milk, but only a sip!" Ed said as he took the milk. After taking a sip, Ed immediately threw up all over the floor.

"Hey! You almost got barf on my shoes!" Winry said as she hit Ed again. A few seconds later Ed began to grow. He grew and grew and grew until he could no longer wear his shoes.

"Oh my god! It worked! Give me some more of that milk!" Ed said as he took the bottle from Winry. After drinking the rest of the milk Ed exploded.

~Fin~


	15. Why he Really Left

**Why he Really Left.**

Okay, I'll now waste your time by stating a setting which is highly unimportant. Okay...any second now...okay...now. There was a storm outside of the Elric house, and a funnel cloud had just formed, and the Elric's were outside playing poker...okay, never mind. It was bright and sunny, but not to bright. Maybe a little brighter than your computer monitor, but not as bright as your high definition tv. Al was running around outside...making airplane noises? Yeah that's good, that's good. Trisha was...washing the dishes because...they were dirty, Ed was inside...angsting, and Hohenhiem was on the pot because that's the only place you ever see him in Ed's childhood.

Al ran over to Trisha and asked her the following overly used question, "Mommy, where do babies come from?"

Trisha began thinking of some really dumb explanation that couldn't possibly trick anyone, "Babies come from...the neighborhood walmart!"

Al looked at Trisha very closely. "Okay!" Al said like a gullible idiot.

"You actually believe that? I thought you were as smart as me, but I guess I can be wrong sometimes," Ed said like the little snotty brat from down the street that you want to hit sometimes.

"Yeah, mommy never lies. Besides, I doubt you know where they come from," Al said as he put his hand on his hips and began to pout.

"Yeah I do! Babies come from sex!" Ed said very loudly.

Trisha immediately looked at him and said, "Where did you learn that word?"

"It was in one of daddy's books!" Ed said while acting innocent.

"What's sex?" Al said.

"I don't know? There were no pictures, but it did say something about naked people. I've seen naked people before," Ed said like the know it all in your class that you sometimes wish you could smack.

"Where have you seen these naked people?!" Trisha said in a very authoritative voice.

"Daddy has these magazines behind the bookshelf."

"WHAT!" Trisha...yelled.

"Yeah, sometimes he takes them into the bathroom and says something about a guy named jack."

Hohenhiem was seen by the door, "I'm leaving and I wont be back for a long time. Wait for me!" Hohenhiem slammed the door behind him.

**Sorry for not updating last week, I've been busy with school work. I'll update some more either friday or saturday.**


	16. Grocery Store Part 1

**The Grocery Store Chapter**

"We're going to the grocery store, we're going to the grocery store, we're going to the grocery store for groceries!" Al sang out loud.

Ed looked at the camera and began talking to it as if he were in his own sitcom, "So today is grocery day. Yeah, I know. It is boring...but for some reason Al always gets so excited about it. I'll never understand..."

"Hey Ed? While you go to the pharmacy and get your drugs, can I go to the cat food Isle?"

"No, you have to stay by the basket or else some freak might pick you up and take you home so they can molest you."

"But I"m over seven feet tall, and I know kittyfu!"

"I don't care!" Ed said as he turned to the camera in order to talk to it again, "He just doesn't understand. A little boy like him is easy to manipulate."

"Brother, who are you talking too? If anyone's little, it'd be you."

"What!?" Ed said as he got walked through the front door.

"Ummm...I meant..."

"Whatever, lets go Al...Al?" Ed said as he realized that Al wasn't walking next to him anymore, "Uhhhh...great...now we have an actually plot..."

Ed walked up to the pharmacy.

"Hey, bub? Down here." Ed said to the clerk.

"Hey, kid. I don't have time to be giving you any xanex or anything. So get lost."

"Excuse me moron! I'm the fullmetal alchemist. I'm not a KID! Now, I need you to get me my prescription painkillers or I will be killing you."

"Shesh, just wait. I need your ID. What do you need painkillers for anyways?"

"Have you ever almost been beaten to death, or lost your limbs or been forced to listen to your stupid superior talk about miniskirts? I didn't think so, now hurry up."

"Your prescription is up."

"WHAT!? But I can't live without those!"

"Are you sure that you aren't addicted?"

"No! Of course not! There's no way that I've been making fake prescription sheets for the last year! Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go."

Ed walked towards the cat food isle expecting to see his younger brother.

"Dang it. He's not here...but there's evidence...cat food is all over the floor...where to next..."

**Too be continued...because splitting stories into parts is much more convenient and helps me update more often.**


	17. Grocery Store Part 2

**The Grocery Store Part 2**

-About 15 seconds before Ed appeared at the cat food isle-

"Hey kid, I'm not a creepy pedophile who likes children wearing armour. I'm just a nice old man. Mind if I check under that loin cloth of yours?" A creepy old man who was obviously a pedophile said.

"Sorry, but you're creepy. Now stop bugging me. I'm trying to attract kitties!" Al said as he rubbed the cat food all over himself.

The old man moved towards Al.

"HEY! BACK OFF BITCH! IMMA GO KITTY FU ON YO ASS IF YOU DON'T STEP AWAY FROM THE LOIN CLOTH!" Al said in a very out-of-character tone. Not much later Ed walked around the corner as Al chased the man the other way.

-Back to Ed-

"Okay, so if he's not in the cat food isle, then he must be in the toy Isle..."

"Hey, you gunna pay for that?" An employee said as he walked up to Ed.

"No, It was like this when I got here."

"Yeah, well somebodies gunna pay for it, and it aint gunna be me." The man said as he handed Ed some cleaning supplies.

"HEY! What do you think I am?! Your maid!?"

"Well if you don't wanna pay for it then I'd suggest cleanin it up." The man said as he walked off.

Ed turned toward the camera, "How much do you want to bet that this is Al's doing? I always end up cleaning up after him...okay, so maybe I don't, but it's not like he's some overly clean person either...okay so he is. Big deal."

-Al in the frozen food isle-

"Hey ma'am?" Al said to an old lady.

"Oh, hey john! It's been so long. You, you've grown so much! How's my little grandson doing?"

"Ummmm...my name is Alphonse...what do you think kitties like better, frozen pizza or hot pockets?"

**We interrupt your program for this brief commercial from our sponsors**

**"Dang it, I'm never going to get Rebbecca to go out with me! I'll be single for the rest of my life!" A young boy says very sadly.**

**"Silly ignoramus! You no want girlfriend! YOU WANT HOTPOCKET!"**

**"YEAH! CHEAP FOOD FOR THE WIN!**

**We now return to whatever it was that you were watching**

"Oh, johnny! You know grandma doesn't like pizza! I can't chew it! HEHEHEHE!" The old lady said as she laughed.

"Ummm...well what about your kitties? What do they like?"

"Oh, you know what mr. fluffems likes! Remember, just feed him some fish sticks and he'll bug you for the rest of the day."

"Thank you grandma!" Al said as he ran towards the fish sticks, picked them up, and ran off to the toy Isle.

"What a good little grandson...now what was I looking for again?" The old laddy walked up to a clerk and asked him were the prune juice was.

"Oh, isle 4"

"Thank you johnny, you make grandma proud!"

**End Part 2**


	18. Grocery Store Part 3

**The Grocery Store Part 3**

"Finally, I'm done cleaning that crap." Ed said as he walked off towards the toy isle. "You, know, I have the strangest feeling that Al is in the toy isle..."

"Hey brother!" Al said as he waved towards Ed, who was across the isle, "I didn't see you at first. I kinda thought you were one of the toys!"

Ed turned towards the camera, "Can you believe that? It's almost as if he enjoys making fun of my height. Ever since he got that big body, he's constantly been referencing towards my height."

"Hey, can I get these?" Al said as he held up the fishsticks and an action figure.

"Yeah, whatever." Ed said as they walked towards the checkout lines. "Hmm...a pack of sharpies...only $1..." Ed said as he picked up the pack.

"I'm sorry, but you have to be at least 18 to buy these." the cashier said.

"I am eighteen."

"Oh, you little kids, always trying to pass off as 18."

Ed pulled out his ID and paid for the products, and then the two brothers went home.

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Okay, so that ending sucked...SO HERE'S THE ALTERNATE VERSION!

"I'm sorry, but you have to be at least 18 to buy these." the cashier said.

"I am eighteen."

"Oh, you little kids, always trying to pass off as 18."

"WHO'RE YOU CALLING SO SHORT...AWW SCREW IT!" Ed yelled as he randomly transmuted a giant sword and cut the cashiers head off.

"DIE!!!!!" Al yelled as he began devouring everyone within his sight.

The store was filled with chaos as the two brothers slaughtered everything within range.

Blood was splattered everywhere, the walls, the floor, Al's armour.

Then the police stormed the building, but Ed and Al destroyed them by using a death note found on the book isle.

"This place bores me!" Ed yelled as he began to inflict pain upon himself. "Let's go to a strip joint!"

"YEAH! AND LET'S GET SOME HOOKERS! AND SOME BOOZE!"

"YEAH!"

~Fin~


End file.
